What are some of the worst things to say in a team setting?

this is a really interesting question...and project. i hope you'll share some of your findings. some thoughts:

1) 'you' vs. 'we'
2) "that's not my responsibility"
3) "i'm just too busy right now"
4) 'never' or 'always'
5) 'it can't be done' or 'that's impossible'
6) 'i haven't had a chance to take a look at that yet'...'can you resend that to me?'

but worst of all...is when they say nothing at all.

Robert, in the description following your question the basic concept of "team" becomes eroded. There is a tremendous volume of lip service given out there to teams that are not really teams by any measure. The dynamics, including the verbiage one would use, are radically different between groups of individuals working together and true teams.

In groups of individuals collaborating together, one must be concerned with the feelings of others, as shown by Shaleen's comment, and must be careful not to introduce offense or ideas that may be construed as oppositional, as Mr. Keahey (to keep the "Robert"s differentiated) alluded to. One's own ideas are often best introduced in this setting after first lifting the ideas of others. This is a political approach, gaining support by first giving support.

Instead of rambling on, let me be succinct: The worst thing you can say in this setting is "You're wrong". It is alienating, makes you seem arrogant and even condescending, and shuts down others' support of your ideas.

In a true team setting, though, that is one of the best things you can say, if you believe it to be true. The reason is the fundamental team dynamic of trust.

If you tell me I am wrong, Robert, in all probability I will argue with you, and probably not in the constructive way. I don't know you, I have no real understanding of your background and, most importantly, I have no reason to trust that you are looking out for me or for the union, if you will, of the two of us. If I have a feeling that your comments may be self-serving, we cannot form a true team.

However, if either of the two mentors who have significantly shaped who I am were to say the very same thing, I would stop right now and ask them why. I may or may not agree with them when they are through talking, but I will have listened intently and open-mindedly, and their opinions will have carried serious weight with me.

The difference stems from the fundamental trust that these people have my best interests at heart, and our shared interests. We are a team.

In the absence of the deep trust shared by true teams, work groups must also be mindful of what they say in public outside of their meetings, and in open online forums. It is very common, for example, for HR professionals to joke about the perceived inadequacies of other department personnel, or to speak of themselves as parental figures for the less mentally able. Comments like those read by non-HR work group members do not engender trust or cooperation.

Together, let's put the fun back into work!
Belldon Colme
belldoncolme@gmail.com

One company I worked for many years ago had a CEO who offered great content for this question. He was mercurial and not very mature. I think he was selected for the job for his academic credentials, and not his leadership ability. One notable quote was "The board will be meeting to discuss cutting management jobs, and they're not coming after me!" How's that for getting everyone behind you? Go team go! It was one of the few times I was speechless.

This is an extreme example of what not to do by creating an "I versus you" environment. But many leaders do this more subtly and/or unintentionally. One thing that separates good leaders from great is the ability to bring teams together by saying "we're in this together," without sounding corny or patronizing.

To Belldon's comment, it's important to avoid the temptation to vet ideas right away. This is easier said than done, because some comments people make can seem preposterous--at first. But few things stifle the airing of ideas more than saying "that could never work," or "I'm not sure we could ever do that . . . "

Encourage new ideas by allowing them to remain on the table. They'll find their own level without the leader making any immediate assessments.

I believe that any statement that is vague should be avoided; as it can be seen as an attack to someone's demeanor in your team - which can be misinterpreted as a form of discrimination ( racial, age, gender, religion, disability ). Instead, when giving reviews, you can use concrete examples that are job specific. If someone made a mistake or didn't meet expectations, I think that criticism must be pointed at the action; not the person. The worst thing you can say is something like: " Kevin has reached rock bottom since last time.. and he started digging.. "

And as the adage goes, there's no I.. or U.. in the word TEAM.

"That's a good idea" might sound like a compliment but its sets up the person saying it as a kind of king-maker. Judgmental phrases, even positive ones, can wreak havoc on team dynamics, especially in larger groups. Instead, use a pattern like this one "That idea seems to bring to of our project. Is that a fair way to capture what you said?"

Substituting "I" as a proxy for the group's sentiment on any issue can cause rifts between players on the team as well. It's important to let others know where you stand on key issues. When you're doing that, be sure to speak clearly and always leave room for the "We" to appear. Here's a pattern to consider adapting for your specific: "While I feel about , I think we need to see how we're all feeling about that."

I, I, I. When it is all about you and you show no respect for others, any team oriented work or project is almost inevitably doomed.

Belldon's point is an important one because there's no doubt that language can and should change depending on the nature of the group. The higher the trust and familiarity, the more that can be said without being taken out of context or misconstrued. This is particularly true with cultural differences and sense of humor - things that can be the cause of a lot of misunderstandings.

I'm not a fan of over zealous complaining or identifying of problems without balancing it out with possible solutions. This tends to reduce morale and can make people feel trapped - we'll never be able to meet our deadlines, how will we ever finish this, etc. Too much time spent on what everyone else is doing wrong, rather than talking about what your team can do right or better, can also damage morale and sets up barriers between departments or teams.Keep it productive. Venting every now and then can be healthy, but get it out there, rein it in, and move on.

My general rule of thumb is determining what can be said to move the conversation forward, and what language is most likely to assist with that, but people are human and gaffes will be made. I wouldn't want people (including myself) to be so oversensitive to certain words that they become paralyzed to speak or contribute at all.