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What are some ways that you can "confront" without creating "conflict"?
Being a male in HR puts me in an interesting position with many employees and conflict resolution is a delicate matter. Generally, how do you like to confront an employee without drawing too much attention to the situation and creating a greater conflict? How do you do so without sounding accusatory or like you're attacking them?
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3 Answers
Hi Jake. I wrote a blog post (http://ggci.com/blog3/2009/10/conflict-trigger-mitigation-avoidance/) and an article for TheLadders.com (http://www.ggci.com/Articles/TheLadders-2010-01-05.htm) that both speak to your concern.
Another resource is “Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader: How You and Your Organization Can Manage Conflict Effectively,” by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan – it’s an excellent read. In the book, they define conflict as: "Any situation in which people have apparently incompatible goals, interests, principles, or feelings."
Based on that definition, conflict is inevitable; it cannot (and should not) be completely avoided. Rather, the goal is to simultaneously reduce the conflict's HARMFUL effects (hurt feelings, anger, frustration, score-keeping, passive-aggressive (or openly-aggressive) retaliation/retribution, etc.) and maximize its BENEFICIAL ones (better brainstorming, more creative/effective problem-solving, deeper/more meaningful interactions, increased respect and regard for each other, a greater willingness to tackle more difficult challenges and opportunities, improved team camaraderie and success, etc.)
As we learn to better recognize the upsides of conflict, we naturally start focusing LESS on how DIFFICULT such conversations CAN become – that is, "drawing too much attention to the situation," as you put it – and focus MORE on how IMPORTANT it is that the person we’re talking with: (a) Truly realizes that there was an UNINTENDED IMPACT of his/her choices and actions; and (b) how that person might mitigate such UNINTENDED OUTCOMES in his/her future interactions with others.
After all, the reason you're even getting involved is because something didn't go as someone intended, right?!
I’d be happy to walk you through a specific scenario you're facing, if you contact me off-line.
1. Being a male has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
2. No successful leader likes to confront employees on any level. Challenging behavior is not the same as seeking or engaging in personal conflict.
3. The situation is all there is. You get paid to manage issues and lead people.
4. An even greater conflict arises when you fail to address the situation. The focus has to remain on what happened and not the individual.
5. You won't sound like you're attacking him or accusatory by simply not being attacking or accusatory.
6. You're intent is to redirect behavior and not to challenge someone's personality.
7. I hate the use of the word conflict because when I hear it used, I don't usually see that that person views this an an opportunity to Coach an employee towards improved performance but rather as a means of punishment or "gotchas" or score keeping.
8. I think you need to rethink your approach to Coaching and your role in HR and maybe even step back and look at the entire department holistically to understand whether it permeates the culture in your busines.
9. Why is this falling to you and not the employee's direct supervisor?
I recommend reading “Crucial Conversations.” It was written by a team of experts, and it’s an excellent read. I have used the techniques they examine many times both professionally and personally.
The technique I like the most is to begin challenging conversations by saying something like: “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate/respect/dislike/etc. you, but I would like you to understand that your actions are having a negative impact.” This technique has worked every time I’ve used it because it diffuses the situation and makes the conversation less personal.
http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Tools-Talking-Stakes/dp/0071401946
This team of authors also wrote “Crucial Confrontations,” which deals with even higher-stakes situations. That said, the first book was of more use to me.
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